


Enough

by flootzavut



Series: Next Time [3]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Episode: s10e19 Sons and Bowlers, Episode: s11e16 Goodbye Farewell and Amen, Epistolary, F/M, Friendship, Gen or Pre-Slash, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Letters, M/M, POV First Person, POV Third Person, Post canon, Prose and letters, Rage eats a chicken, Sequel, nexttimeverse, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-03 15:52:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14572398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: BJ Hunnicutt picks up strays without effort or intention; funny, sad, vulnerable Hawkeye is definitely in need of a forever home.Letters aren't enough anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onekisstotakewithme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/gifts).



* * *

_**Enough** _

* * *

 

> Dear Hawk,
> 
> I guess I wasn't really thinking about who else might be around when you found the letter. Sorry about that.
> 
> It was an impulse to slip it into your pocket; I thought about posting it when I was back in the States, I thought about giving it to you during those last few days, and once or twice I even thought I might burn it. But the thing is, it was all true, it is all still true. In the end, I guess I wanted you to know it all more than I wanted to ~~protect myself~~ be careful. Your pocket was the best and safest place for it. I'm glad it gave you something to hold on to, even if you're mad at me for my bad timing.
> 
> I gave your love to Peggy and to Erin. I hope one day soon you'll meet them both. And Hawk, I know you have a lot to deal with, I know you don't trust yourself, but I trust you. To my bones I know you would never hurt either of them.
> 
> Peg sends her love and her thanks for getting me home safely, and when I told Erin about you, she giggled and grabbed my nose. I think that's baby-talk for "I can't wait to meet my Uncle Benjamin, I'm sure I'll love him, and I hope his nose is easier to grab than yours is."
> 
> (My heart aches when I see how big she is now and think about all the things I missed. It's probably been harder on Peg and I than on her; I was almost a stranger when I came back, but she's getting to know me, and babies have short memories. She'll forgive me a lot more easily for my absence than I'll ever forgive myself.)
> 
> God, I miss you, Hawk. It's strange to come back home, where everything is so familiar, and yet feel homesick for a place I wanted so much to leave. Well, it isn't the place I miss. It's the people. It's you, most of all. No matter where I am, I guess I'll have to get used to always feeling split in two.
> 
> You won't believe me yet, Hawk, but it's really not that different. I meant what I said; you're family to me. More than family. I miss you like I'm missing a limb, and I get phantom pains whenever I remember you're on the other side of the country. I understand for the first time how an amputee must feel as he tries to adjust to having only one leg or one arm. I keep expecting you to come in the door, or turning to tell you something, or making a joke only you would understand because for a second, I forget you're not here to share it with.
> 
> Look, I know people leaving is at least as hard for you as saying goodbye is for me, Hawk, and I think I understand a little of why. I know my leaving how I did (even though I came back) hurt you in ways I probably don't much understand, though I wish I could. Maybe you don't trust me now quite as much as you did before it happened, and I don't blame you. But please know that I trust you and love you just the same, and always will, even if you haven't truly forgiven me yet. ~~Even if you never do~~
> 
> I keep coming back to the realisation that letters are never going to be enough. I don't think I'll ever be able to shake you either, Hawkeye. Even if I wanted to, which I don't. ~~Maybe nothing will ever be enough~~ I don't know how to deal with feeling like I've lost a part of myself. No, not even lost... I know exactly where it is. I guess it's getting used to someone I care so much about being thousands of miles away instead of four feet; that's the trick. I never did get the hang of it in Korea, though, so I doubt I'll work it out any time soon.
> 
> It isn't all that different, Hawk. It really isn't.
> 
> Much love,
> 
> Beej

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

Peg finds BJ sitting at his desk, a sealed, addressed envelope in his hands, and an expression on his face that's sad and wistful and a little confused.

She watches him from the door of his office as he turns the letter over and over. "BJ?" she asks at last.

He startles and turns to her, blinking as if she woke him from a dream. "Peg." He shakes his head and smiles ruefully. "I was miles away. Sorry."

She crosses the room to stand at his shoulder, and drops a kiss on the top of his head when he leans into her.

The letter is to Hawkeye, just as she suspected, and it makes Peggy's heart ache. It was obvious from halfway down BJ's first letter to her after he was sent to Korea that his new friend was less a friend and more a life-preserver in human form, and she knew before BJ did that one BF Pierce had set up home in a cosy corner of her husband's heart. It wasn't much of a surprise. They have a cat who's a formally feral animal BJ tamed mostly by accident, and their dog is one the pound was about to put to sleep. BJ Hunnicutt picks up strays without effort or intention; funny, sad, vulnerable Hawkeye is definitely in need of a forever home.

Peggy strokes a hand through BJ's hair and savours his warmth against her side. "Are you all right?"

BJ shrugs. "I'm okay."

"Next time you see him," she says softly, "you should tell him."

He leans harder into her, head drooping in defeat. "I don't know how to say it, Peg. I don't know how to explain. Even how to get him here."

"Oh, darling." Peg adores her husband, the way he loves with his whole being, his honesty and his compassion, but it hurts to see it when his too-big-for-his-body heart loves someone who's too scared to really love him back.

If Maine weren't quite so far away, Peggy would be tempted go find Hawkeye, march right up to him, and scold him till his ears burned. Then fling her arms around him and drag him back to San Francisco (by force, if necessary) so that BJ wouldn't have to figure out how to use his words. Of course, part of her wants BJ to get up off of his backside and do exactly that, but she knows her husband, and after dozens of letters in which he played a starring role, she feels she knows Hawkeye rather well too. Getting them into one room and letting nature take its course seems like the simplest option.

She tugs on BJ's chin, leans down to kiss him, gentle and sweet. "It'll be all right," she murmurs.

He gives her a wan little smile. "I wish I knew how to make him see where I'm at. Where we're at."

"We'll figure it out. We're smart people, and so is he."

That makes BJ's grin widen. "See, it's stuff like this that reminds me you two've never met."

Peggy laughs. "Well he's book smart, like you. You have me for the rest."

He chuckles and loops his hand around the back of her neck. "I love you, Peggy Hayden-Hunnicutt," he whispers, then tugs her down into his lap, kissing her again, deep, warm and thorough.

One way or another, Peg thinks breathlessly, they'll work this out.


	3. Chapter 3

Hawkeye curls into a ball at one end of the couch and takes the letter from his pocket to read again. It's been folded and unfolded so many times already, it's starting to look rather worn, but he can't help it. These letters are tangible proof that BJ Hunnicutt exists (that BJ Hunnicutt cares for him), and he needs to be reminded, especially after waking up from yet another nightmare.  _I trust you... I love you... it's not that different_.

Sometimes Hawk wonders if BJ knows how he feels, if maybe part of BJ feels the same way, but it's a thought he daren't indulge. BJ has his perfect wife and his perfect daughter and his perfect, sun-drenched existence, and they don't need a Maine raincloud to darken their lives.

He's read the part about Beej missing him like a limb so many times he could recite it. He doesn't really trust it - not because he thinks BJ's lying, but because BJ being too kind to him is much more credible than Hawk being this important to anybody besides maybe his father. Still, it makes him feel better that Beej would try so hard to reassure him.

He feels... hollowed out. It's not as if he's missing a limb or even a vital organ, it's as if everything inside him has been removed with no anaesthetic, and the only thing that helps is to obsessively read and reread BJ's letters and do his best to believe them. He lets the words fill him up and salve his wounds, and wonders how he can reply, how he can tell Beej how much the letters mean without exposing his own treacherous emotions, without making it awkward, without screwing it up. He needs BJ desperately, needs this friendship, needs to know someone who saw him at his worst, in the middle of a war zone, still remembers him and still (somehow, miraculously) cares.

 _I love you too_ , he thinks, as he runs his fingers over the words,  _even if you'll never love me the same way. Please don't forget me, Beej. Don't desert me_. It's his greatest fear, that as time goes on, they will lose touch, he won't have this lifeline any longer, and he won't know what to do with himself.


	4. Chapter 4

> Dear Beej,
> 
> Of course I've forgiven you. I told you, it's impossible to stay mad at you - it's damned annoying! If you were here, you'd see me grinning despite myself because reading your letters always makes me feel better. Honestly, right now I'm more pissed about the crying. Marines, Beej! Marines! A whole damn platoon, or whatever you call a big bunch of them. What's the collective noun for a group of marines, anyway? How about an annoyance? Or a dumbass. 'A dumbass of marines' - I should suggest that. You remember that idiot who tried to swallow a pool ball?
> 
> I'm babbling, I know. I always thought I was good with words, but I've lost that knack of late. I'm a little worn and broken and not good for much of anything. I'm certainly not worthy of being your arm or leg. You'll do better relying on yourself than on me, you know. ~~I don't deserve~~
> 
> Thanks for the photograph you sent. I like to picture you all in the sunshine, enjoying each other. That's what your life should be like, Beej. You deserve all of it, every last moment of happiness. Every sunny day, every cloudless sky. ~~You don't want me spoiling that~~
> 
> Erin sounds like the greatest kid, which doesn't surprise me, knowing her daddy. I'd love to meet her. Maybe when she and I are both a little older and wiser, huh? Of course I want to meet her, and Peggy, but Beej... the way things are right now, I just... I don't know, okay? I don't know. I'm a ~~fucking~~ mess. I am not someone you want to spend time with, not like this. I'm trying, I really am, but I can't... I can't think about this right now, I'm sorry. ~~I love you but~~ It's just too much. Too much for all of us.
> 
> C'mon Beej, you don't want a crazy guy like me hanging around your wife and kid. They deserve better. You deserve better. There's too much war in my head, and I don't remember what it's like not to feel this way. It's not that I don't want to come and see you all. I do. So much more than you can even imagine. God Beej, you don't even know. It aches. But I'll never bring the war to your home. It's just not fair for me to inflict myself on you, let alone your family, when I'm still such a disaster.
> 
> You know I'm right, don't you?
> 
> No, letters aren't enough, but I'll survive, Beej. Your family is the important thing. I'll live. You get on and be happy, and that'll keep me going, I promise. Give Peggy my love and tell Erin I'm looking forward to her grabbing my nose one day. I'm sure she'll enjoy it - there's plenty to grab.
> 
> (One of these days, you must introduce her to Klinger.)
> 
> I miss you. But I can't even wish you were here. You're where you're supposed to be, Beej. Never doubt that.
> 
> I'm going to stop before I say something I shouldn't.
> 
> All my love,
> 
> Hawk

* * *

 

> Hawkeye,
> 
> You are maddening, do you realise that? Maddening, and frustrating, and an idiot.
> 
> Didn't it ever occur to you that letters aren't enough for me either? That I miss you, too? That maybe I need you? ~~That maybe I~~
> 
> You're lucky you're not here. I swear I'd wring your neck.
> 
> BJ

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> More to come, I promise.
> 
> _*goes into hiding*_


End file.
